fresh poison each week
by sharoncarters
Summary: i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife; Nick and Amy, after.


all of the gone girl on my dash has inspired me. wrote this on my phone, so i'm not sure how great it is, but you can be the judge of that.

* * *

It's scary to him to think that he once loved Amy. Or, he realizes now, the Amy that fooled him into thinking she was "Amy", this wonderful beautiful amazing (ha) girl, who laughed at his jokes and tolerated his stupid chin.

It's even scarier to wake up every day to the real Amy, who is not really a person at all. Sleeping with a spider is putting it lightly. Living with Amy after everything is like having a nightmare and waking up and knowing that it's real, a constant cycle of hate and disgust and shame over and over and over again, every day of his life.

He knows that it's not just her fault, which is the thing that really kills him. It kills him that he didn't, couldn't, see. He couldn't see who she really was, who she was pretending to be. Couldn't own up to who he was pretending to be, himself.

He got lazy, pretending, but she didn't. She wanted to keep going, to keep living this life that she had imagined for herself. And she wouldn't let him get lazy. She was going to get everything she wanted from him, and he was going to give it to her.

* * *

Every day Amy's stomach grows larger and larger, and he feels bile rising up in his throat. A baby. A baby with their shared DNA. He wonders what it'll be like, raising a baby with Amy.

Is sociopathy genetic? Will their baby know something is wrong with its parents? Will he or she turn out wrong? Sick like they both are, performing in the play that Amy has written?

He honestly doesn't know how they're going to do it. He can't talk to his mom about it, because she's gone, and it's not like he could've told her what was actually going on anyway. His father is obviously not going to be any help, especially after what Amy did to him. (God, she even got to his own father. The months that must've taken. Nick is simultaneously impressed and sickened.) He spends a lot of time feeling sick, nowadays, and he thinks Amy likes it.

Go is not a consolation, not anymore. He thinks something broke between them when he told her he was staying with Amy. She is still there, still supportive, but it's different than it was before. He thinks he broke her heart, for good.

Will you still love me if... seems to not apply when the situation is "if I stayed with the woman who framed me for her own murder and had a child with her". He loves Go no matter what, and she loves him. That will never go away. But that love has been twisted. Just like everything else in his life.

* * *

Nick likes to tease Amy. He figures, if she is sick, if she likes to make me miserable, I will do the same to her.

It's rare, for him to surprise her, but he takes a sick pleasure in it when he can.

He likes to pretend, to act like he's finally going to assume the role she's so meticulously planned out for him. He'll "lovingly" wrap his arms around her waist when she's cooking, and take delight in the way she freezes, the knife in her hand making everything so, so real.

He'll plant kisses on her neck, nice and slow, like he used to when she was "Amy", and not Amy (the spider). And then he'll whisper, sickeningly sweet, "I fucking hate you," right in her pretty little ear. The knife slams down on the cutting board.

* * *

He doesn't care about hurting her, not after everything. When he was with Andie, he always felt a twinge of guilt for betraying his wife.

But now, nothing really matters. He knows he has to be careful, because she could always kill him and make it look like an accident, like he did it himself. (Coping Husband Loses Grip on Reality After Missing Wife Returns. He can see the headlines now, even before anything has happened.)

But he still likes to hurt her, in any small way he can.

* * *

When they fuck, he tries to be as rough as possible (without hurting the baby, of course). It's like she knows that's his weakness. She's always rubbing her belly with lotion, stroking it over the sweaters and t-shirts that barely fit her, knowing that he's watching.

But he still likes making her scream. It is the one of the only things he can do that really hurts her, but she takes it anyway. Maybe in her broken mind she thinks he really loves her. (Maybe he still does. Why else would he fucking bait her to come back?)

He never lets her come, always making it as quick and rough as possible. He is always nauseated but weirdly content, after, her claw marks criss crossing along his back.

* * *

The reporters never really leave, she makes sure of that. She knows him inside and out, has taken root inside of his black heart, curling inside of him like a virus.

Every time he thinks it might be safe, she makes a little announcement, like she did when she told them she was pregnant.

Teasing another book, calling up Ellen Abbot like they're life long fucking pals.

And she knows how to make comments that stop him in his tracks. Little nags that make his skin crawl, ones that would seem normal coming from anyone else, but are a threat when they come from Amy.

"Nick, could you please take out the trash? We don't want a /mess/ in our home, do we?"

I wish I could mess up your fucking face, he wants to scream, but he knows he can't. He knows what she means when she says "mess".

Her constant threats leave his heart in his throat, so he complies. She has his balls clutched in her fucking hands and she knows it.

* * *

He will never be free of her, and he honestly doesn't know what he'd do if he was, anyway.

She'd said it to him straight up, and he hadn't listened, but he knows she's right.

He will never be happy with anyone else, because she has twisted and molded him into someone only she can tolerate. He will never be happy with her either, but at least he has small glimmers of hope, every once in a while.

Maybe the baby will make them better, but he doubts it. He'll have to take it to Go's as much as possible, to have at least one stable person in the poor thing's life. (But he doesn't know how much good it will do.) He will replenish all of the love that Amy has taken from him and give it to that child.

* * *

Amy and Nick. Nick and Amy. On days that he can't escape to The Bar, to see Go, to talk to Boney, he repeats it in his head over and over. NickandAmy, one word, a never ending cataclysm in his mind.

He can never leave her, and she will never leave him. She finally has everything she wants, and God help him if he tries to take it from her.

* * *

take me to church is such a nick and amy song, fight me. i love amy elliott dunne she is the queen of my life and you can fight me on that, too.


End file.
